Exposing my hypocrisy

Most people who know me know that one of my prevailing theories is that everyone is a hypocrite.  Seriously, look at the things that annoy you the most, then pay attention to your own behaviors; I’d be willing to bet that you do most of the things you are things that bug you to no end when someone else does it.  Especially when you drive.

So this is about a hypocrisy of mine, one that’s pretty raw right now.  Something that I say a lot to mangers or other higher ups is that I come to work to work.  And I do, because that’s what I’m paid to do there.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want people to talk to, or to be friendly with; I’m a people person, and I love to talk to people.  Seems to be a contradiction, and it really is…which is why there are only a couple people I’ve talked to about this.  If I go to work to work, it shouldn’t care if I do or don’t talk to people, right?  But, if I’m a people person, shouldn’t I make talking to people at work a goal?  It’s something that I struggle with more often than I like to admit, even to myself.

So here it is, the confession of my hypocrisy.  I hate that the only acquaintances I’ve made at work feel to me like surface only.  I hate feeling like my only value to my coworkers is my use value.  I hate feeling upset when I see people go to meetings and events without me.  I see people that I met in college talking about their friendships with others and I wish I could be a part of it, but I know why I’m not, and I hate it.  I wish I could actually believe it when I say I’m at work to work, but I don’t believe myself.  I want to force myself to not feel the way I do when I see all this, but I haven’t succeeded yet.

So there it.  I’m the people person that isn’t, the worker that doesn’t want to be.  I think that’s enough for now.

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In which I take on weighty subjects

So it’s been a while.  I’d offer an explanation, but it’s not going to ring true so why bother.  Instead, let’s focus on what I want to right about.  Mess up there, or maybe I’m just giving you a clue to my subject today?  So, moving on to my topic; this is once again from another blog, one that I should know better than to read, but I was sucked in again.  The title is “It’s Legal to Kill Babies, But Let’s Worry about a Gay Person’s Right to Cake”.  And yes, the scan I did of this is just as filled with hate as the title suggests.  There are 2 distinct topics in this blog, both of which I want to address.

First, the blog talks about the recent case in Colorado, in which a woman was attacked for her unborn daughter, and the baby died after being cut from the womb.  Let me break here to extend my condolences to the family during this dark time.  Truly, no one deserves this level of pain.  And I share the outrage that the woman who attacked her is not being charged with murder of the baby–only attempted murder of the mother.  Where we differ is the topic of abortion.  In the blog, this act was likened to abortion…and that is only true on the most basic level.

Let’s be clear from the beginning: abortion is a medical term for a pregnancy that ends either naturally or with help.  Yep, the actual medical term for a miscarriage is “abortion.”  Next, understand that just because I advocate women having the choice of what to do with their bodies, don’t think that I agree this is the best course in all cases.  I’ve known for a while that there is a very limited window in which I would choose an abortion (more later); in fact, in the times that I was worried about pregnancy before J and I married, my plan was always adoption.  That’s what both of us have decided that we’d recommend for both K and S if they end up in a situation of teen pregnancy…but from my talk on sex previously, y’all know where I stand there.

The one place in which I would choose to abort is medical.  If I were pregnant, and the test determined that I had more chance of dying than carrying to term, and/or the baby would not survive to term, yes, I would end the pregnancy.  Before you get up in arms about how I’m killing a child in that case, what about my right to live?  Are you saying that my death is worth less than that of a fetus that has limited chance of survival?  And that it’s better to carry a child that would kill me, leaving my husband alone to raise our children?  I don’t think that it is, and I don’t believe that’s the  best choice for my family.  Or what about this case from Ireland?  Does her husband deserve to be mourning not only the loss of pregnancy, but also the death of his wife?  All my pro-life friends, I want you to ask yourself what you would do in this situation; knowing that your baby is not surviving, but not being able to have the finality of an ending without death from sepsis?

Final point on this: making abortion illegal will not stop it from happening.  Let me repeat that: MAKING ABORTION ILLEGAL WILL NOT STOP IT FROM HAPPENING.  Throw all the stats at me you want; I’ll bet dollars to donuts that the rate of abortions in countries that have outlawed it has not decreased, it’s just moved to back alleys.  If a woman wants to get an abortion, she’s going to get it (remember the scene in Dirty Dancing?) regardless of legality.  Would you  rather that possibly cause twice the deaths (mother and child) due to the lack of regulations or be medically regulated and sterile?  I’m not saying you have to agree with them or like them, but stop being naïve enough to think you can stop them from happening.

The second part of the blog is the issue of Indiana’s new Religious Freedom Restoration Act.  Ok, sorry, call a spade a spade; this should be named “I want to help people and businesses discriminate.”  This is no different from the Jim Crow Laws, or the No Irish Need Apply policies…the policies that most citizens of our country agree were terrible.  And yet this one, a law that is designed to allow for the discrimination against the LGBT community is being heralded by some on the religious right as wonderful and just.

Make no mistake, this law is not just about cakes and flowers.  The fact that this law is on the books will allow other professions to refuse service…such as doctors, lawyers, clinic offices.  Grocery stores could stop selling food to people, pharmacies could refuse to fill prescriptions.  And not just for the LGBT community, though they are the primary target.  Imagine you go into a Jewish deli for a sandwich on your lunch break, but because you’re Muslim/Christian/Hindi the proprietor refuses you service?  And you can’t get upset about it because you’re in favor of the law that they are using as a defense.

I believe that business should have the right to refuse service, and many do so without a media circus.  That’s one place that I’ll ding the LGBT community on–you don’t have the right to get everything you want everywhere.  Guess what: bakeries decline to make cakes/cupcakes for people all the time!  Maybe they’re full of orders for the day, maybe they can’t accommodate the scale, maybe the baker just doesn’t like the vision that the customer has.  And sometimes the person makes a snap judgment about a “punk kid” and says no because he doesn’t like the kid’s look or life choices.  That’s not a bad thing, that’s a choice on the baker’s part.  And usually the power of the review hurts them massively in that case.  Do you honestly think that a bride doesn’t read the Yelp reviews of bakeries before she narrows down her top picks to interview?  And I’ll bet that for every 1 bride that likes the bakery that discriminates there are 10 others that will avoid them at all cost.

To summarize, then, there are a few problems in Indiana with this law and the situation it brought up.  One, I don’t think that there should be regulation telling people it’s ok to discriminate…though I’ll admit that I liked the idea presented in Oklahoma, which stated that businesses who wished to refuse service must place a visible notice advising the public who would not get service and why they will not get it.  Two, there seems to be a general outcry of rights being violated on the customer part, but not really a support for the business owners that quietly refuse service.  Three, there’s a general lack of understanding at the dangerous precedent this sets for all industries.

So here’s my naïve soap-box moment.  Seriously, people, just get along.  If you’re against gay marriage, don’t get one; if you’re against artificially aided abortion, don’t get one.  If you are in favor of those things (and they apply!), get them.  But stop preaching about it.  Seriously, you will not convert the other team to your side, and you might lose some friends if you keep telling them things they don’t care to hear about.  Same thing with vaccines, diets, religion, politics…if you aren’t asked, don’t talk about it!  And yes, I’m aware I wasn’t asked here, but it’s my soapbox so I can talk about it.  Remember, in the words of Vash the Stampede, “This world is full of LOVE AND PEACE!”

Gratitude

It’s been a while again.  Anyone who follows this blog is aware by now that I am by no means a regular poster, so this is no shock by now.  Part of the lack of posting is lack of appropriate inspiration-I can rant, but there aren’t that many things that I want to publish for the world.  Part is NaNoWriMo–I decided not to participate this year, so it’s felt wrong to write.  But there’s been something on my mind lately, so I want to write.

Anyone on Facebook this month will have seen the plethora of “today I’m grateful” posts that began on the 1st.  I get very annoyed with these posts because it seems very put on.  Why should we be only grateful for the blessings in our lives one month of the year?  And why brag about it at that time.  All that being said, there I something that I want to express my gratitude for.  I do this regularly, so it’s not being hypocritical; this is more to actually get it out there.

So background: There’s a girl I’m semi-friends with at work who is pregnant right now and single.  That in and of itself isn’t a big deal, it happens all the time.  A couple days ago, she was complaining about her ex, who is possibly the father–he’s not been that great since they broke up, to the point of demanding custody at the point of birth (that’s another story, though, and not mine to tell).  I’m listening to her talk about it, and talk about what steps she needs to take, and it made me so grateful for my husband.  J and I were not married when I got pregnant with K, but we were within 2 months of the wedding that we planned for 18 months (why yes, I am trying to disabuse the notion that we had a shotgun wedding!) when we found out.  I didn’t have to worry about who was the father of my child, I knew from the beginning that my fiancé was the father.  I didn’t have to wonder what his reaction would be–I wasn’t concerned that he’d deny paternity because he knew that he was the father.  He’s been by my side through both pregnancies and births, and it’s been so nice to not have that drama.  I haven’t had to deal with the issue of getting child support, or arranging visitation.  It’s something that I’ve noticed multiple times, and every time I see this, I just get a wash of emotion and feeling of how lucky I am.  I am married to the father of my children–how many people can say that anymore?  When we come home as a family, K and S have both a masculine and a feminine presence in the house as an example, and they can see an example of how a married couple interacts.We can balance each other.

Do not misunderstand, I have all the respect in the world for single parents–my mom was one for 7 years.  But I saw how much easier it was for her when she and my dad got married.  And I know that I want to stay married for a long time.

So today, and always, I’m grateful for my husband, who is my partner and friend.

Race Issues

Hey, it’s a post!  Amazing, I know.  This one, though, has some rules.  First and foremost, I am aware that it’s not exactly kosher for a pasty white girl like me to comment about a race issue, but I have an opinion on this particular issue, so I want to comment on it.  Second, comments are being disabled for this particular post because I’m not interested in arguments on this.  I am entitled to have an opinion, just like everyone else in the world, and I have the right to express said opinion with out fear of abuse.  You don’t have to like what I’m about to say, nor do you have to agree with me.  You just have to acknowledge that it’s mine, and may be different.

The basis for this blog can be found in the story found here, here, and here.  I’ll summarize for those who don’t want to read the article: a white woman is suing a sperm bank for giving her the wrong sperm–she and her partner ordered sperm from a white donor, she was sent sperm from a black donor.  The plaintiff states that she found out after she was pregnant, when she ordered more sperm, so that she could have another child with the same “father”.  The bank informed her of the mistake, and shipped her the order from the original choice.  She states this lawsuit is due to the fact that they live in an all white community that is less than tolerant, that she has to take her child to the black part of town for a haircut, which is uncomfortable, and that she and her partner will have to move to a “more diverse” neighborhood with good schools so her currently 2 year old daughter  won’t be “out of place”.  They are asking for a minimum of $50,000 for future counseling bills.

I’ve got a couple issues with this case.  First, the bank notified her of the mistake, and as listed in at least one of the articles, sent her a refund for the shipping costs.  To my mind, this is all that she’s owed.  Multiple times, the plaintiff has stated that she loves her daughter, they’ve bonded, and that this isn’t about race.  If it’s not about race, then why are you still bringing a suit AFTER the bank acknowledged the mistake AND sent a reparation?  I’ll admit that there are more articles about this than I have read, but in every one, the mother talks about the problems of having a mixed race child, and the family issues…it feels to me that she’s the one with the problem on race, and is projecting.  My niece is mixed race, but she’s been welcomed with love.  Is it going to be very obvious that she’s adopted, yes–my brother, sister-in-law, and older niece and nephew are all blonde haired and blue eyed, and the girls are tall and thin.  But when you truly love someone the differences in skin, hair, eyes, shape don’t matter a bit.

Second, her classification of the town as intolerant.  As a lesbian couple, why would you choose to live in a town that you yourself describe as intolerant?  Wouldn’t a town that was as conservative as they described be intolerant to same sex couples as well?  In fact, this description was debunked by the mayor of their town, who pointed out that there is diversity in the town already…maybe not much, but there is diversity.  So why, again, are you going to have to move?

Third, the justification for the suit itself.  The plaintiff stated that they want the money for the future therapy bills they will have.  She stated that they will tell their daughter that the suit was about forcing a change, and so they could go to therapy to learn to  love each other more.  Why do you need to “learn to love” your child?  Maybe it’s just me, but I fall in love with my children all over again when I see them.  When S says mommy or smiles at me, or K wants to cuddle with me, forget it, I’m a puddle of warm gooiness.  So I can’t understand why that would be necessary.  And if you are already planning that your child is going to be in therapy, I don’t think you’re doing a great job at preparing your child for the world.  News flash, not everyone will like you, and sometimes it will be for a reason like race, sexual orientation, religion, politics…even if your nose is “too big”.  Maybe I’m in the wrong here, but we’ve been telling K that it’s going to happen, and that she’s going to have the same feelings sometimes.  Since she’s only 5, we’ve been emphasizing that she still needs to be polite/nice to people even if they don’t like each other, but also that she needs to get to know a person before she decides if she does or doesn’t like them.  It may not be perfect, but hopefully it’ll keep her out of therapy.

So for me, this feels like a money grab.  They’ve already gotten acknowledgement of the mistake, and they’ve gotten a reparation.  They are giving the impression that if their child was born different from who she is they would love her more–this from the multiple assurances that they love their child.  Honestly, if they want her to succeed, they need to teach her how to live in a less than perfect situation.  Otherwise, she IS going to need therapy.

Decision time

So Friday I went to the doctor for part of my yearly health physicals; as an adult, it’s important to stay healthy, setting a good example, all that.  I went in with a purpose, though: I wanted to talk to my OB/GYN about getting a tubal ligation.  Talked to the doctor, got my options, they’re going to talk to insurance about coverage (supposed to be free, which is one of the only good things from the ACA in my opinion).  At the time, it’s all sunshine and roses.

Then I went home, and started to think about it.  The first question I was asked was “are you 100% sure that you are done having children?”  Am I?  When I was asked, yes, I was sure.  I’ve got my boy and girl–my pair.  We can’t afford to have more kids,  And, more importantly, I’m miserable when I’m pregnant.  My mom is of the opinion that I’d be putting my life in danger if I get pregnant again, but it’s not THAT dire–I just can’t stay hydrated enough, and I get stressed and moody, and my morning sickness is terrible.  But in the back of my mind, I’ve always held on to the “what if”–if I were to get pregnant again, despite our efforts, what would we do, how would we choose names, etc.  But if I do get a sterilization (!!!!) procedure that would end.  I’m satisfied with my 2,but I wonder about having more–do I want S to be an older brother, or just be the youngest.

I was waffling about it, but still sure that I want to get the surgery until today.  Today I decided that it was time to sell of some of the things we had been holding on to–baby bath, chair, shopping cart cover–and then it hit me.  I’m getting rid of baby things, I’m acknowledging that we aren’t going to have any more.  J was understanding, and said that we can just get a new version when or if we have more.  Great–unless I get the procedure done, so we can’t have anymore.  Then J showed me again why I love him–he told me that if, in a few years, we are in a better spot and decide we want more, we’ll adopt from foster care.  And, we’ll go for an older child so we don’t have diapers again.  So that gave me the strength to go sell, and now I think I can actually make a decision.  So now it’s just a matter of waiting for insurance to answer on what will be covered, and getting it scheduled.

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully decide about if we want more kids.  For now, I’m happy with my 2, and I’m not feeling like there’s something missing.  And at least now we have a plan for if that changes.

So it’s been a while since I last wrote…mostly because I haven’t had the time.  Joys of being a working mom and all.

Last time I posted I hinted at a subject that I was interested in writing about, so here it is.  K started school last Monday, she was ready, I was not.  I’m still not.  My baby is not old enough to be in school; she’s still the 5 pound baby that was born 3 weeks early.

I think it helped that we had her in daycare all of last year.  I was used to dropping her off every day,  Despite that,  though, I was still not prepared to drop her off at school, to see her go into her classroom.  I wasn’t prepared to take her to the cafeteria and have her cling to me because she didn’t want to go in–and having to turn around because I had to leave.  I wasn’t prepared for her to love every day.  And I still have to do this again, when S starts school!

 

Short post, I know, but I need to spend some more time with my babies while they are babies still

“recent” news

Well, as so often happens when you are a working mom, time has not been on my side, hence the delay in blog.  Plus there hasn’t been much inspiration…ok, that’s not true, but for one of the topics on my mind I’m intentionally delaying.  Lately Facebook has been going crazy with two topics; on one of them, I’m not going to discuss–I’ve never been clinically depresses or suicidal, and I want to respect the family in this dark time by not adding speculation.  Suffice it to say that my thoughts are with the family during this difficult time, and I wish them nothing but healing.

The other topic comes from Spring, Texas.  A woman has filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau because Brother’s Pizza Express because they asked her to leave when she changed her baby’s messy diaper on the table in the restaurant.  Yes, I am purposely using the restaurant’s name and not hers.  Why?  Because I fully agree with the restaurant, and I want to get them as much business as possible, and I think that this woman is just trying to get her 15 minutes.  Her claim is that she had no option because there was no changing table in the bathroom and she had her kids with her so she couldn’t go to the car?  Ummm….so?  At one point, when K was maybe a week old, I was at Burger King and had to change her diaper.  There was no changing table, there was no counter in the bathroom, and there was no place in the car.  Did I use a table in the dining room, no; I used the bathroom floor.  I laid out my changing pad, carefully put my brand new, late-term premie baby on it and changed her diaper.  I didn’t complain to anyone but my mom, who was there helping, that there was no changing table.  Because a changing table is a convenience, not a right.

If the tiny article when this first happened was the end, I’d be annoyed, but that’s about it.  But this woman has taken her story nationally, trying to garner sympathy for her disgusting action.  She states that it was only a minute, that she used a changing pad, no one complained, and that the diaper didn’t smell.  I think that the restaurant’s story is more likely–it was several minutes, there was and immediate odor, and that several people complained.  In all the accounts I’ve read, she’s also failed to mention that she was still served her food when she was asked to leave.  It saddens me that this is something that is national “news”; it makes me furious that there are people that are defending her by saying they have done the same thing.  Um, Ew.

For me this comes down to 2 issues, propriety, and health and safety.  Is it proper to change a diaper where you eat?  That answer should be a resounding no.  Is it in the health and safety interest of everyone around you to change a diaper where you eat.  Again, the answer is no.  Simply put, before she did this, she should have asked herself, “Would I change this messy diaper on my dining room (or kitchen) table just before serving a meal to my family?”  If the answer to that question is yes there are so many other issues going on that I can’t begin to address, one of them being how safe are those kids.  But if the answer is no, why would you consider doing that in a restaurant.

I worked as a waitress briefly.  One night, at close, there was a family that did the same thing in my section, though it was a wet diaper.  They gave me dirty looks when I came over and soaked the table in disinfectant.  They looked confused when I told them that the restaurant was closed.  I honestly wish I had had the strength to ask my manager if we could eject them for that.  It’s partially because of this experience that I can throw my support in with Brother’s Pizza Express.  Seriously, all, if you’re ever down in Spring, eat there for me!